I don’t know how many of you have a similar experience and would really love to hear if anyone does. If for nothing else, just to make sure I am not insane or deficient in some way.
It seems to me that when I was younger things were more black and white. It was easier to have convictions and hold on to beliefs. I would not say that I was shallow but there were certain experiences that cemented a world view of which I became a staunch supporter at the expense of certain companions and, certainly, a hedonistic way of life. But today, I have a Paul Simon lyric running on a loop in my head and, though the song has a very comforting sound, it is disturbing to find myself here with little recourse and any attempt to hold onto something solid just seems insincere and futile. That lyric comes from Kathy’s Song and it is:
And so you see I have come to doubt All that I once held as true I stand alone without beliefs The only truth I know is you
And really, the thing that is so frustrating is that, from time to time, I get an unsolicited thought that seems important and is begging to be wrestled with. It promises enlightenment, and even resolution, to some of the more immediate problems I’m facing. And I walk into the warren, start looking around, even travel deep into the rabbit hole only to be left disappointed and in deeper darkness than before.
I used to think that if one could just sit with a thought long enough and look at it from different perspectives, that it should lead one closer to some resolution. Experience says otherwise; that questions of meaning or deep rooted confusion do not easily give up their mysteries.
And the most satisfying position to take at this point is that other people probably deal with the same issue, that it is not that I am doing something wrong in the process, and that looking at the way someone else has answered a similar question is insufficient because, after all, I am dealing with the cornerstone of all my belief systems.
However, I am now thinking that it has become much harder, in this modern world, to find ourselves and know ourselves. It used to be that a person could find silence. Better yet, there was a time, not that long ago, when people probably sought refuge from silence. Their day was uninterrupted by computers, radio, television, telephones, and any other of the devices which are so numerous and readily available to the masses. Today, it is almost impossible to find a place that offers silence.
The discoveries and inventions that we are fortunate to have, also create a lifestyle which is inescapable. It is all about being connected, about speed, about profitability. Trying to stay on top of things with all this influx of information has forced us to be people who focus in on the “message” and filter out the small details. Maybe we come back to them later if we find that what we are working with is insufficient.
I believe that the way we have approached the everyday tasks of life has encroached on our metaphysical concepts and we hardly find the time to go back and check the details. Finding time is paradoxical here because one of the main reasons we have incorporated all of the new is to buy more time. So, either we do have the time and we are just excusing ourselves because we haven’t taken advantage of it or time is just one of those elusive commodities that surfaces momentarily only to taunt us as it runs away.
In reality, time is an invented concept which is defined as measure of distance; hence the constant of speed of light as the defining factor – or, another way to put it, the distance that light travels in a given amount of time. If we follow that to its intended end, what we are saying is that all of the conveniences, that have accumulated through the ages, have been an attempt for us, knowingly or unknowingly, to close a gap; to get closer to something. If there are any philosophers out there I am open to suggestions as to what that something may be.
What really matters here is that, if you experience this insufferable unknowing and the feeling of being adrift associated with it, those times when an unbidden thought enters the mind and starts to unintelligibly whisper are moments that are calling you to self discovery and truth. It is a homing mechanism that bids you to find it. I will refrain from saying “calling you back” because it is possible that many of us have never been home to begin with. But this frustration associated with the elusiveness of enlightenment is not supposed to be the fickle answer’s defense. It is more about our inability to find enough silence to get through all the layers of superficial discovery.
This is more of a theory than a tested resolution and the complexity of testing is such that it may never be confirmed. But, there has to be others who have gone through the overwhelming doubt and have come to the last line there that states “the only truth I know is you,” because even that is consolation.